


This Feels A Lot Like Running Away

by eqxillibrium



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Universe
Genre: Angst, Atlantis, Baby, Emotional pain, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Happy ending???, Hurt, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Stargate Continuum - Freeform, like rlly rlly sad, mentions of Janet Fraiser, ok so i dont wanna spoil it but it might get rlly sad, ok spoiler tags coming up, self blaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eqxillibrium/pseuds/eqxillibrium
Summary: Set after Stargate Atlantis S5 Episode 1 'Search And Rescue'. Sam comes home to find out Jacks spontaneous trip to Atlantis 8 weeks ago left her with more than a backlog of paperwork and memories of fishing on the east pier. How will they navigate this change in their lives, the good and bad, for better and worse.I tagged all the sg1 characters but lets be honest I'm only here for Sam and Jack. POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING see tags if concerned
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Vala Mal Doran (background), Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't let it go and just had to write it for my current ship obsession. I haven't written fanfic in a while so sorry if this is awkward, I'm a bit rusty lol. ALL MISTAKES ARE MINE, NO CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME, STARGATE SG1 CHARACTERS, PLZ DONT SUE ME!!!!!! lets get to it...

The air feels suffocating, hot, stuffy. Her training and the nagging voice in the back of her mind tells her not to cry, that crying is weak, she's a big girl, she can handle herself and crying is not how to handle it. So she settles for a tight lipped smile, a line of pleasantries tumbling out of her mouth, trained, respectful. Her training also gave her the basic instinct to punch the threat, the threat to her career, after all, would anybody around really care if she swung her right arm and accidentally connected with a smug, smarmy face. In the end she resisted. She's too good for that, she reminded herself.

Nodding her head she turned on the balls of her feet and stalked off away from Mr Woolsey. She'd just lost Atlantis. She'd just lost Atlantis and the worst part was she had lost it to some pencil pushing, button pressing, scream at danger politician. The worst kind of person.

Looking through the halls of the SGC she tried to find the best kind of person, one with spikey grey hair and eyes so chocolatey she could eat, a certain husband of hers, a certain Major General Jack O'Neill, 2 Ls. However failing to find her target on her way to the infirmary, she pushed her thoughts of the nature to the back of her mind, bringing other - also personal - thoughts to her attention. Pushing her way through the double doors of the infirmary her eyes settled on the person she was looking for, although, still not the person she expected. Although it had been 4 years, every time she stepped into the infirmary, she brain short circuited and she expected to see her tiny brunette friend by the name of Janet Fraiser waiting for her, holding a big honking needle ready to jab in her ars-

"Colonel Carter, good to see you!" the friendly voice of Carolyn Lam floated across the room. Significantly taller and lacking needles, Sam was brought back to the present, to the reality that sometimes, ok a lot of the time, life sucks.

"Carolyn, it's good to see you too, I'm here for my post gate travel check-up" her voice calm. Controlled. It had to be, she couldn't let slip that something was off. Potentially.

"Ok well, the bed over here is free, if you just wait a few minutes I'll get a nurse to come and do some checks"

"Actually I was wondering if, you would do my check-up its just, I trust you and- not that I think there's anything wrong with your staff its just well- I have a request and you're the only person I'd planned to ask"

"oh" Carolyn said, trailing off, confusion etched across her face. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, lips quirked into some sort of smile "right this way"

-<3-

After god knows how long of being pricked, prodded and pocked, blood taken, MRI complete, Sam finally got around to making her request, using the lengthy silence to muster up all her courage. "Dr Lam... Carolyn, about earlier, uhm" she stuttered, once again unsure of herself. Being a colonel in the Air Force meant she needed confidence, something she didn't often lack. But this... this was uncharted territory. She'd have felt more confident in herself, with her hands tied around her back, weapon-less and kneeling at the feet of a Goa'uld. And her earlier encounter with Woolsey was still chewing away at her inside, stripping her to the core. "My request you see, I just, can you not alert me of anything that flags up on my results, it's just, you might stumble across something and I don't want to know from you just yet"

Her eyes grew wide "Sam, are you ok? If there's something you're not telling me, as your doctor, I have to insist you tell me"

"I don't know for sure, but if what I suspect is true then... I want to find out in a normal way, not because I can back through a giant ring that allows me to travel to other planets and galaxies. I want this to be one piece of normality i have in my life, please" Sam said, carefully articulating her words.

"What do you suspect?"

Sam stuttered, not really imaging Carolyn being the first person she'd tell. Janet maybe, but never Carolyn. "I- there really is somebody else I need to speak to first, please"

-<3-

The wind whipped around her, it was mid March in Colorado Springs, it wasn't cold necessarily, but the wind definitely added a chill to the air. She stood for a moment, listening to the wind whistle, changing direction and constructing a path through the air. She listened to the bustle of the town. The distant laughs, groans, cheers and tears. So often she was off saving the world, sometimes she forgot exactly what she was saving, what all this fighting was for. Is for. Sometimes she forgot to live. This moment, these sounds, they added a weight to her chest, heavy and pressing, but the good kind. The kind that reminds you you're human. Fluttering her eyes open and reminding herself to breathe, taking a deep breath and inhaling the metallic taste the air carried, she stared straight at the Walmart sign, the bulbs in the 'M' broken, making the sign read 'WAL ART' in the pitch blackness of the 9pm sky.

Despite the tiredness that she could physically feel humming away in her body, she moved her feet, one in front of the other and carried herself into the store. After briefly stopping by her house to grab her phone and purse, desperately hoping there hadn't been any currency changes in the year she'd been away, she headed straight here deciding she needed groceries and a few other bits, one particular 'other bit' springing to mind. Trudging her way up and down the aisles, picking up less fruit and vegetables than she probably should and definitely more chocolate than recommended, she found herself down the health care section, scanning the shelves and feeling her panic start to bubble up inside. Pulling out side cell phone from her pocket she saw a message from the one person she really needed to see right now,

'Hey, I know you're back from Atlantis by now, I'm sorry about losing your posting, I tried my best to stop it but conflict of interest and blah blah blah. I couldn't get away until early hours tomorrow morning, I'm flying in from Washington and heading straight to the SGC. I'm going to head to the 'snake base' before you and the gang. I wish I could see you tonight but we'll catch up tomorrow after the ceremony. Love you, Jack x'

She smiled at his text. At the way he said he loves her. The way he signs off his texts with his name despite her telling him she knows who it is as his contact comes up with the message. These are the things she missed, the reminders that she's human. Smiling back down at the screen, she quickly typed out a reply 'I love you too, see you tomorrow' and hit send.

Shoving her phone in her pocket she focussed back to the task at hand, her fingers brushing lightly over various cardboard boxes. Selecting her first box she tried not to let the feeling overwhelm her. This giddy but also terrifying feeling that threatened to drown her right here in the middle of aisle 24. Carefully placing the pregnancy test in with her shopping, she allowed herself the small satisfaction of acknowledgement. Pregnant. This thought brought a smile to her face, bringing back the giddy feeling that she quickly supressed. This wasn't her first rodeo, and last time she got excited only to later stare at 3 tests all screaming 'negative' or a condescending ' :( ' back in her face. She remembered the day like it was yesterday, it was the day before she was due to head to the midway station, she'd woken to realise she was 2 weeks late. Her period was almost never late. Jack couldn't help but notice her frequent looks at the calendar, double and triple checking the dates. She confided in him, whispering that she thought she may be pregnant and timidly awaited his reaction. They'd never talked about the prospect of kids, not after Charlie, and besides, they had Cassie to care for, but when he embraced her in a hug and insisted she "wait here" whilst he ran to the store to buy some tests, she found herself not scared anymore. That's the first time she felt this particular giddy feeling. After the tests came back negative, she'd brushed it off, telling him it was fine and that she'd get over it. The next day she was at the midway station and a week later she was offered the Atlantis position. "This feels a lot like running away" he'd told her, and whilst she wanted to argue that this wasn't about that, this was about her career, she didn't. Instead they talked at great length and settled on the dream of "one day"

Now, in the present, it felt like that day.

She noted the differences between the two different times. Last time she was only 2 weeks late, this time she was 2 months late. Last time she'd had no weird food cravings, this time... well the pickles she would soon purchase could speak for that. Selecting 2 more pregnancy tests of different brands, she headed for the checkout.

-<3-

It'd been a long day. Hours and hours spent listening to the chanting of the Tok'ra and Ba'als lengthy tales of how much they'd regret this. An overall uneventful day in the grand scheme of things. Now they sat as a team, laughing and catching Sam up on a years worth of gossip.

"... and dear old Daniel just wouldn't stop falling over" Vala's light-hearted, flirty tone said.

"Indeed. Daniel Jackson did seem quite accustomed to the company of the ground" a flutter of giggles floated through the air.

They'd just finished recalling most the important team moment she'd missed over the past year, from both on and off world. She felt Jacks hand squeeze hers below the table and outside the view of prying eyes. Their relationship wasn't a secret, god no. Daniel and Teal'c would tease that they'd loved each other for too long and to just "get a room", Vala always managed to worm in an innuendo directed towards Daniel afterwards and Cam would squirm at the thought of his superior and his friend doing anything of a romantic nature. This was just the way it was supposed to be. It's what felt comfortable amongst them.

"Well kids, its getting late" Jack announced, waving his hand in a writing motion at a young waiter, signalling for the check. A tray with the receipt was brought to the table and Jack placed a wad of notes down, paying as promised. "Things to do, places to be and all that. Hot baths, hot blond-"

"Sir! General, thankyou for uh, treating us to dinner, sir" The voice of Cameron Mitchell perked up as Sam felt the blush rounding from her cheeks to her ears and down her neck. The General smiled smugly. One day Cam would realise he did it just to play with. Vala smirked knowingly, looping her arms through a displeased Daniels and a monotoned Teal'c, throwing a "come along, boys" in for good measure, Cam following swiftly behind them, relaying his goodbyes and condolences for Sam's job, leaving Sam and Jack to walk alone to Sam's car, Jack having been dropped to the SGC by a chauffeur straight from the airport and then back arriving at the restaurant together.

Jack held out his arm for Sam and she gratefully accepted, leaning her head against his shoulder as they walked the small, empty car park. "When we get back home I have a surprise for you" Sam said, plucking up her courage for the first time today. So far the closest she'd come to coming unstuck was when he'd asked if she wanted to order a bottle of wine or a beer. She quickly deflected, asking for a diet coke instead, simply stating that on Atlantis there'd been loads of alien alcohols to try, but no cultures had come close to diet coke. The explanation seemed to sit well with Jack, and he'd gone on to tease her about that night in 'O'Malleys' many years ago.

"Would this surprise happen to be made of a lacey material?" Jack teased, the smirk and a hint of longing evident in his voice.

"Maybe." It didn't, but she didn't dwell.

-<3-

As soon as the door to her house shut, he had her backed up against it, noses brushing and mega watt smiles "So, where's this surprise of yours" he asked, his grin and soft eyes accompanied by his thumbs rubbing circles over her hips. 'So close' she thought.

"Down the hall, first door on the right" Jack hummed in response thinking it was his lucky night. Maybe it was.

"A lacey surprise in the master bedroom, why, I knew there was a reason I married you" Jack teased as she dragged him down the hall towards her bedroom, turning back to face him once they were safely in the middle of the room "wait here" she whispered and leaned in before pushing off and stalking into the en suit.

Jack considered the practicality of it. It dawned on him that she obviously hadn't been wearing lingerie all day and he hadn't remembered seeing any duffle bags in the car or noticed any particularly long toilet breaks at the restaurant. Coming to the conclusion that she was getting changed now, he walked over to the shut en suit door, leaning against the frame ready to make his move once the door opened. He looked to his left and an image of himself reflected back at him through the body length mirror on the opposing wall. His jeans, smart shirt and jacket just itching to be removed.

He heard the knob on the door handle start to turn. 'That was quick' he thought. Seeing the door open he licked his lips in anticipation, only to see Sam fully dressed still, one hand behind her back, the other visibly shaking by her side.

"Sam?" he asked, the softness in his voice refusing to let on just how concerned and scared this discovery was making him. She gave him a teary smile and avoided eye contact for a few seconds before sucking in a deep breath and started what sounded like what would be a prepared monologue if she could trust her ability to speak right now.

"Jack, I uh- I do have a surprise but its not lace, sorry" she whispered looking meekly at him as he changed his slouched posture, resting his hands gently on her shoulders.

"No no Sam its fine I was jokin-"

"I know!" she was quick to interrupt him "I know. Its just this is serious and well..." her eyes darted like she was looking for the words deep in his soul. He didn't egg her on, didn't change his posture or avert his gaze. He gave her time. It was one of the things she loved most about him. "It's just well.. here, give me your hands." he quickly complied, removing them from her shoulders and holding them out in the small space between them. Using the hand by her side she reached out and took his right hand, bringing it down under her shirt and resting on her mostly still flat stomach, keeping her own hand on top of his. Before he could comprehend what had happened, she brought her other hand out from behind her back and held the white stick out, close to his other hand. "I'm pregnant" she whispered and in his stunned state looked down to see the word 'positive' staring back up at him. As tears escaped her eyes and rolled down the swell of her cheeks, a grin played across his face.

"Sam..." he said, his right hand pressing firmer against her stomach, while the left reached out to take the test that was shaking like a leaf in her hand. "This is real?" he said in a state of shock and awe. She nodded wordless and both his hands slipped round to her back and pulled her into a hug. 3 years ago when he was finally able to call her Sam instead of Carter, he never imagined this, but now, he wouldn't want it any other way. "How? When?"

Following his positive reaction Sam decided to relax, "you should know how, General" she said, sporting a knowing smirk that he couldn't see as her face pressed further into the crook between his shoulder and neck "as for when, about 8 or 9 weeks ago, you visited Atlantis after I broke my leg..." Images of their time shared together splayed across her mind. Fishing on the east pier, morning cuddles under the multiple moons during dawn, cake for dinner, a backlog of paperwork and... other activities.

"So what you're saying is Carter, you were destined to fall off some very tall crates?" earning a giggle out her. He turned his head to the left and caught a glimpse of them in the mirror "look at us" he stated, his voice already dripping with pride. Sam turned in his arms so she stood in front of him, staring into the mirror. His arms snaked around, lifting the bottom of her shirt with one hand and placed his other protectively on her stomach, nuzzling his forehead against her ear. "Our family."

-<3-

His fingers mindlessly danced up and down her bare arm, stopping to the twist the ends of her hair each time. He pressed his nose further into her blonde mop, inhaling her scent. Apple. "I like your long hair" he said sweetly, disturbing the comfortable silence that had settled over them. "I think the baby will too" he said. Images of a young Charlie's stubby hands reaching to grab everything floated in front of his eyes in his dazed state.

"Yeh, I think she will."

"she?" well that has certainly made him focus. His fingers stopped dancing for a moment until the images of a little girl with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, reaching to grab Sams newly long locks, drifted into view, relaxing him again. "You think it's a girl" he asked and she nodded, absently rubbing her hand over her own abdomen. "I'd love to have a daughter too, a mini Carter, what could possibly go wrong" he teased and heard her sniffle.

"I always thought if I had a daughter I'd call her Grace, my mothers middle name, if that's ok with you..."

"Of course it's ok with me" he said squeezing her gently.

-<3-

Walking the walls of the SGC, Sam felt like a whole new person. Part of her yearned for the occasional bubbling tank that could be found in the Atlantis corridor, or the simplicity of opening doors in the place, but Sam new she couldn't have that and her family, and her family won every time.

"Colonel Carter"

"Carolyn..."

"ready to talk about those test results yet?" she said with an unamused tone which probably had something to do with the fact that Sam went ahead, through the gate, to Ba'als extraction ceremony whilst knowing she was pregnant.

-<3-

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF IRRESPONSIBLE DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING"

General Hank Landry. Sam Carter had faced the rathe of many superior officers. General West, General Hammond, General Bauer and even General O'Neill, but this was her first verbal sparing match with General Landry. At least, in this timeline.

"With all due respect sir, if you would just let me expl-"

"THE HELL I WILL! You knowingly went through the gate pregnant, Sam!"

"When I was back on Atlantis, sir, Teyla was still frequently-"

"and look what happened to her" he scoffed and Sam gulped "that's why these rules are in place, Colonel, you can't endanger another life like that, what if something had happened" he finished by humming at her, prompting her to answer.

"Well Sir, I guess we'll never know. I wanted General O'Neill to be the first person I told and in a personal manner. The only way I saw fit to do this was by pretending nothing at all had changed" Sam explained. Her tone calm and never once wavering beyond professional. General Landry sighed. This wasn't a debate either of them would willingly let the other win.

Rubbing his forehead, Hank carefully constructed his next sentence, "I was going to offer you a position on SG1 again but given your current... situation, that can't be allowed to happen I'm afraid"

"Actually General, that's something I wanted to speak to you about"

"It's non-negotiable Colonel"

"I'm well aware of that sir, I was actually going to request assignment in Washington, for the time being, at least"

-<3-

"We should buy a new place" Sam said, re-establishing a conversation shortly after the last died down. They'd been momentarily distracted whilst out shopping together, Sam was looking for new bra's, her previous ones growing too small, whilst Jack had spotted a small 60cm x 60cm embroidered baby blanket hanging on the far wall, the pale yellow colours contrasting with the blue paint of the shops walls.

"of course" he replied absent minded, before stalking off to retrieve the blanket. Perplexed, Sam watched his figure move, walking over to the blanket, picking it up with such care and rubbing his fingers over the soft material, before smiling satisfied and returning, blanket in hand. "we can live wherever you want"

"Whoa whoa, Jack, its way to soon to being buying things for the baby, I'm barely 10 weeks" she said, elongating her words in her flurry of panic.

"Awh come on Sam, in your last check up before you moved out here Carolyn said everything was fine. Plus you're settling in nicely with your new job reading up on all the research and presenting the facts to all the pencil pushers. Its a cause to celebrate, just one thing won't hurt..." he gave her his best puppy dog eyes, tacking on a "please" for good measure before Sam finally gave in, sighing to mask her smile and shoving the blanket in the basket. "I love you"

"I love you too"


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long since I first updated. Is writers block a good enough excuse? haha anyway, I like writing long chapters so, buckle up campers, it's not happy today...
> 
> SPOILER//TRIGGER WARNING  
> this chapter could be very triggering and whilst I didn't want to spoil what happens for anyone, I'd much rather do that than trigger someone. This chapter deals with late miscarriage, so if this is an emotional topic for you and you think you'd be triggered please DON'T READ ON! This isn't brushed under the carpet, its quite graphic and detailed and grief and blame will be a heavy part of the end of this chapter and the main theme through the next until near the end (happy-ish ending). I also wanted to put a disclaimer in here that I have no idea what it's like to go through this and so I couldn't possibly begin to understand the pain and grief, anything I write is based off of research and from blogs etc. of what people who have been through this have said. If something comes across as insensitive I never intended it to and please let me know so I can apologise and edit the chapter/s
> 
> on with the show...

"hey how about this one?" Sam said pointing her finger towards her laptop screen that was sat on her lap, her finger dancing too close and smearing a bit of chocolate on the screen "damn I don't know how that got there". Carefully leaning forward and placing the mint chocolate ice cream on the table, she grabbed a tissue, wetting it with her tongue and cleaned the screen. 

"look at you acting all mothery already" Jack teased as he was just entering the room having finished wiping down the table from dinner. Sam stared at him with a smile on her face, moving her head as she tracked his movements. 

"what?"

"the tongue thing, its something mothers do... you know, with handkerchiefs"

"Oh, well..." lost for words Sam screwed up her face in a way Jack found adorable and redirected her attention to the screen "back to my question, how about this one"

"how many bedrooms does it have?"

"four" 

"good because our daughter is going to need a whole room just for her toys once all her uncles and aunts find out about her" Jack said as he flopped down on the couch next to Sam, snuggling up to her and nuzzling his face in the hair brushed over her shoulders, in a decidedly un-general like fashion. They'd decided to start looking for a new house together in the Washington area due to Jack's current position there and Sam's reassignment. 

"we don't know for sure that she's a she, I'm only 12 weeks" biting back a smile whilst thinking of a little Grace O'Neill running around "although now you mention aunts and uncles, its becoming increasingly harder to keep it a secret from Daniel, he keeps asking when we can go out for lunch and I keep having to turn him down. I know it's not that visible but as soon as I turn down a beer he's going to know somethings up"

"yes well, lets not dwell. We agreed we'd have a reveal party at 16 weeks for them, we're probably only going to do be able to do this once. I want you to have the full experience"

"I'm just glad I get to experience it at all. I didn't think we'd ever get here" Sam wasn't kidding herself. She was 42 and she knew pregnancy at her age was rare and extremely risky, but so far everything was fine. Her and Jack new the risks, she took vitamins in the morning and before bed, light exercise, no heavy lifting - something she wasn't pleased about, the last thing she wanted to feel during the pregnancy was like an invalid - and her and Jack had agreed to wait until 16 weeks to tell their friends, even though most couples revealed at 12 weeks. Still, after just finishing the first trimester, she couldn't help but feel a sense of relief, she knew she wasn't in the all clear, but some nagging doubt had seemed to evaporate. 

"I was beginning to think you'd already planned our second child, why the four bedrooms?" Jack teased. His smile told her everything she needed to know, if by some miracle they did get pregnant again, he'd love their child no matter what. 

"Got to have a room for Daniel or Teal'c to stay in when we go out for our weekly dates. Don't think this child lets you off the hook in the romance department General, it's just a short pause"

"Damn, and here I was thinking I'd got lucky" he said smugly. Picking the laptop off her lap and closing it before placing it on the table, he gently pulled her around until her back was resting against the arm of the couch and she was facing him. "Still, I'd like to think I have the romance thing under control, even if its only at home" Placing his hand on her cheek, he stroked with his thumb for a few seconds before leaning in and placing short soft, repetitive kisses against her lips. The air in the room filled with sloppy noises that could almost be comedic. 

Sam made a guttural noise before pulling away, whispering "definitely" and leaning back in to continue. After a few minutes the ringtone of Jack's phone stabbed through the silence like an icy shard. Sam huffed and leaned away, allowing Jack to retrieve his phone. "It's probably Daniel, he always did have the worst timing" she smirked as Jack got up and the warmth of his body on hers slowly faded. From the other room Sam could hear a few non committal noises coming from Jack, confirming who he was and all that. After ending the call he walked back into the room and stood in front of Sam like he'd just seen a ghost. "Jack?" sensing his grief Sam quickly stood up and placed her hands on his arms shaking him slightly "Jack are you okay? What is it?" Every single possibility ran through Sam's mind like she was reliving her entire life in two seconds. She knew he'd gone to the doctors the other week, just a routine check up but they had said everything was fine "Jack please talk to me..." she pleaded with a desperation in her voice she would've scolded herself for had she been talking to anyone else.

"That was the President" he said breaking out of his nightmare, he placed his hands on Sam's hips, to support him or her, neither quite knew, "he was calling to let me know that at 1300 hours General Hammond passed away. Said it was a heart attack." For Sam it felt like a blow to the gut on a personal level. He was the closest thing she had left to a father figure. He was supposed to be the one who her child called grandad, after all, he had walked her down the aisle. "Holy Hannah, I- I don't even know what to say" she exhaled, slowly lowering herself back down, the pungent petrichor from the open windows suddenly becoming the strongest sent in the room as her entire body threatened to become numb and lifeless.

-<3-

"Sam you have to eat something" Jack said nudging the bowl of cereal on the tray a little closer to her. He'd brought her breakfast in bed and was watching her whilst he got ready in this dress blues. 

"I know, it's just... hard, you know? I was like this after dad died, it'll pass soon" reluctantly picking up the spoon and fishing around the bowl the load some oatmeal onto it.

"I know Sam, but its not just you you're taking care of now." he said in a harmless voice. There was no bite behind his comment and yet it angered Sam into dropping the spoon immediately and tinging red with anger. 

"God, do you think maybe we could just have one conversation that doesn't involve this stupid baby!" she regretted the words as her anger had fizzed out. She lowered her head in shame, avoiding any kind of eye contact, closing her eyes an exhaling slowly. She new Jack and she knew he would avoid her unless she apologised, taking on the blame himself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, God you must hate me. It's just, it's gonna be a hard day". Looking up she finally met his eyes and stretched out her hand towards him, which he gladly accepted.

"I know, it will be hard for us both." he leaned in close to her, bringing their joint hands up to his mouth before kissing them and letting go. He swivelled the spoon back round to her side of the bowl and got back to getting dressed. She almost laughed at the site before her. A two star general, clad in his untucked shirt and tie, trousers round his ankles trying to get dressed whilst not so subtly keeping one eye on her. In fact she would've laughed if the reason for his dress blue's wasn't so sombre. Today was General Hammonds Funeral, it was 1100 hours so they still had about an hour before the car would arrive to take them to the ceremony but so far Sam, hadn't even managed to keep her morning coffee down, let alone try some oatmeal. "You know I was prepared for this. You lashing out at me, mood swings. There's nothing you could say or do that would make me hate you. I mean it."

"Promise? No take backs?"

"I promise - unless that is you don't eat your oatmeal, that could be a huge deal breaker" his teasing tone emphasised by his elongated words. 

"oh well, who am I to stand in the way of your true happiness" she scooped up the offending meal and smiled around the spoon. Probably the first smile from her mouth in the 10 days since he told her the news. There was a sparkle in her eye and they made eye contact and she winked at him.

"You are my happiness Sam, more than you'll ever know" he whispered low under the noise of her throaty, muffled giggles. He knew she hadn't heard him but that didn't make it any less true.

-<3-

After the correct burial of a well deserving general at Arlington National Cemetery, Sam, Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Cassie all took Jack's car back to his place to have a quieter shindig, sharing stories from the first seven years at the SGC and even some childhood stories were pitched in from Sam. It was settling into the late hours of the evening and Jack could tell Sam was starting to get drowsy. 

"Hey do you remember how mad the General was when we snuck out to get steaks during the whole Za'tarc incident. Sam I think that's one of the first times I heard you say one of your cheeky replies to Jack in front of Hammond" 

"Now Danny that's only because you were on Abydos during our initial meeting" Jack smirked knowingly and looked at Sam with a raise of his eyebrows, to which she just rolled her eyes in response. 

"To which event are you referring to O'Neill" Teal'c pipped in with a classic raise of his eyebrow and slight tilt of his head

"Ohhhh no you don't you're not telling this story" Sam reacted, quickly lobbying a scatter cushion at Jacks head, only missing because he had the reaction time of any respectable USAF officer and managed to duck

"Come on Aunt Sam, you can't just start a story and not finish it"

"I didn't start anything, Jack started it" Sam retaliated to Cassie, putting emphasis in her voice when referring to herself. Before a full blown war could start between Sam and her niece, something she definitely didn't have the energy for, Daniel pitched in with an idea.

"Hey speaking of Steak how about we all go out, Jack I'm sure you wouldn't live here if there wasn't a suitable steak house nearby"

"Ah yes, you know me and my priorities" Jack said in a perky tone but added a few taps of his fingers against the arm rest of his chair to give a nonchalant vibe. He took one look to his right to see Sam sat on a perpendicular couch, Cassie practically laying on her as they leaned into the cushions at the back looking comfortable. He could see the drained expression on Sam's face, almost making her skin complexion grey, half her hair falling out of what she had called a fish braid and her long discarded blazer draped over her lap in a bid to hide her stomach from any prying eyes. She wasn't big for her stage in pregnancy, but as she was usually lean and fit, she was conscious of any added weight and was sure that even strangers could tell she was pregnant. "But actually guys I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass this time. I'm getting kinda tired" 

"Jack it's barely getting dark outside..."

"I'm getting old Daniel... I turn 59 this year" 'crap I'm too old to be fathering a baby' he thought internally. 

"Okay well... Teal'c? Sam? Cassie?"

"Sorry Uncle Daniel, I have a plane to catch in a few hours, I cant be late, I have classes tomorrow" she smiled sympathetically, rising to her feet and sighing dramatically before picking her used glass up off the table and carrying it towards the kitchen. Daniel moves his head slightly to the right, staring Sam in the eyes. She could see right through Jack's excuse and knew he'd done it for her. Sure, he wasn't in his prime, but most the time he still had as much energy as a 30 year old.

"Sorry Daniel, I should probably stay here and keep this old man company" She teased throwing a smirk in his direction. She knew she'd pay for that comment.

"Teal'c?"

He bowed his head forward before answering "I would be honoured to share beverage over some coaled bovine". Daniel slapped his hand against Teal'cs arm, causing his to look up amused.

"Where would I be without you..." Daniel grinned and Sam and Jack couldn't help but join in, just like old times, they all reminisced. Cassie entered the living room again and picked up her handbag. Daniel and Teal'c also rose from their chairs, patting Jack on the shoulder and leaning down to kiss Sam as neither of them seemed inclined to get up. Just as they were about to leave the room Jack shouted for them,

"Hey wait up!" They all stopped dead in their tracks and turned round to face him with confused looks on their face. Jack turned to look at Sam and they seemed to have a conversation with their eyes. "We actually thought we could have another gathering in two and a bit weeks, with you guys and Cam and Vala, if you can make it of course"

"oh?"

"yeh its just we're... uh..." Jack looked to Sam for help, not wanting to give the game away, she just raised her eyebrows and shrugged her shoulders as if to say 'don't look at me'. "We're sort of um... moving. Yes we're moving house and we wanted to have kind of a house... leaving... party"

Daniel, finding the humour in his clear awkwardness, said "I'm pretty sure you're supposed to move house and then have a party there Jack, not the other way round"

"Yeh well we just wanted to have a gathering in two weeks and you know..."

"Why two weeks?"

"Daniel..." Jack warned

"It's just if you waited say I don't know five weeks then you could have a house warming party which is much more traditional."

"Daniel."

"Actually the tradition of a house warming party originates from..."

"DANIEL!" stopping in the midst of his babbling to make eye contact with a very impatient Jack O'Neill "TWO WEEKS! I'll call you with the date and time"

After a pause Daniel relented and gave in... "Two weeks..." before waving his goodbyes and walking out, silently followed by Teal'c and Cassie. After they both heard the sound of the door clicking shut Sam finally released the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, flopping her head back to look at the ceiling.

"Nice save..."

"Yes well they don't tell me I'm quick on my feet for nothing"

"I'm so tired..."

"I know Darling"

Her head shot up at the sound of the pet name. "Darling?"

-<3-

"Hey Darling..." Jack spoke softly as her eyes slowly blinked open into the morning light beaming through the thin material of their curtains. It'd been fifteen days since Georges funeral and in three days was their house leaving party, A.K.A pregnancy reveal.

"Jack..." she said in a playfully warning tone "we agreed..."

"Okay, okay, okay, no darling. How are you feeling this morning Sam?"

"Surprisingly fine. No sickness"

"No sickness?"

"Okay well not no sickness... but its bearable. It's been getting better over the past few days"

"That's good I'm glad"

"Do you have to go into work today?"

"Just for a few hours. I have a meeting with the President of France"

"Ok, I'll see you in a few hours for my scan" She smiled tight lipped and looked slightly drowsy with her flushed cheeks and tussled hair. He kissed her waiting lips and then jumped out of bed busying himself about his day.

-<3-

Sam woke later in the day to an empty house, a cold pot of decaf coffee sat in the kitchen. She put herself together some toast, relishing in not feeling so sick anymore. She opened her laptop and loaded some papers she would review today whilst sitting at the kitchen table. She was about half way through the paper when she was distracted by the sound of traffic outside. She got up from her seat and looked out the window of their apartment onto the busy streets of DC that she'd began to once again call her home. Below her was the site of everybody going about their days. Youths determined on changing the world and the more elderly just taking a stroll. She looked over at the clock and noticed she'd been working for nearly 90 minutes straight. Deciding to utilise the good weather of May, Sam neatly packed her work up and hopped in the shower, noticing as she washed herself that some of the tenderness had gone. Wanting to meet Jack for some lunch before they were beamed to the SGC for her scan at 1500.

Leaving the house clad in maternity jeans and a long baggy yet stylish cotton top and boots, she slowly made her way across town to the Pentagon, passing families on the way, feeling a sense of security whenever she did. It was 1400 by the time she arrived, and his secretary informed her that he had just got off the phone. Knocking before entering his office she heard his low gruff voice "come in but make it quick"

"You've never wanted it to be over quick before" she said in a low daring voice. This was a workplace, after all.

"Sam! Sorry. I didn't realise it was you. I'd aimed to be home by now, but thinks took longer than planned, as usual"

"It's ok, I thought we could grab a bite together and get beamed up from here" he smiled at her lovingly. He knew she wasn't one for PDA, especially in the workplace, but he couldn't resist as he walked over to her place by the door and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Pizza or Steak?"

"I'm thinking salad"

-<3-

"Ok, this might be slightly cold" the nurse said. She was new under Lam's command and so was less likely to gossip about her an the General. She probed around the swollen lump of her stomach, the smile on her face not faltering, "only another four weeks until you can find out the gender" making idle conversation even though both Sam and Jack were too engrossed with what they could see on the ultrasound screen to commit to any answers. "You feel him or her moving around yet?"

"uh, no... should I of?"

"You should start feel it around your current stage but as this is your first child you might not feel it for a few more weeks. Do you want to hear the heartbeat?"

"yes please" they both said in chorus making the nurse giggle and flick a switch on the machine. After moving the probe around for a little while, the atmosphere in the bay becoming tense.

"Let me just go and get Dr Lam, I'll be back in one moment"

As the nurse left, bile began to rise in Sam's throat "Jack...", it had meant to come out strong and questioning but instead she sounded like a lost child and her words caught in her throat, the tears threatening to fall over the barrier of her waterline and storm down her face.

"Hey!" he said, gripping her hand tighter "It's probably just a faulty machine, I'm sure it happens sometimes"

Just then the curtains around the bay opened and Dr Lam appeared with the nurse from before standing behind her. "How about we try this in a private room with a different ultrasound?"

-<3-

Switching off the monitor and watching the screen go dead felt like the finality of it. The air buzzed around them, nobody quiet sure what to say, what to believe. 'It wasn't supposed to be like this' Jack kept repeating. They'd past the first trimester, everything was supposed to be ok. "What are you doing? Why are you turning it off, you need to keep trying to find a heartbeat"

"Colonel, I'm afraid you've had what we called a missed miscarriage" Lam said sadly. Her voice said she was sorry but her eyes had a look like she'd given the news too often in the past.

"What? Misc- no, I'm fine, I haven't had any bleeding or cramps, everything's fine just please turn the machine back on" her voice was strong. One of a colonel. She was trained to react this way. You get dealt bad news and u stay calm and think of a solution.

"Colonel, it could still take up to four weeks for you to deliver the baby. That's why we called it a missed miscarriage, you start to gradually lose pregnancy symptoms but otherwise you wouldn't know..."

"NO. no you're wrong. If I have to do the ultrasound myself then I will" sitting up, using her arms to drag her body further up the bed and reaching for the probe, looking to Jack for support, but he'd stopped responding as soon as he heard the news. Lifeless.

"Colonel, I'm sorry but-"

"NO. I said let me do it myse-"

"SAM!" the use of her name by the doctor seemed to break her out of her hysteria. She glanced up at her, dropped the probe and made eye contact. The tears felt like tsunamis but compared to the numbness of her ears, fingers and toes, it was nothing. She felt dizzy, nauseous and the overwhelming need to release a guttural scream alongside her tears continued to hammer in her chest.

She felt like she was dying. 

Or watching someone else die. Like your in third person. Watching a Tv show or being nosey out of the window. 'This wasn't happening to them. This wasn't supposed to happen to them' repeating. It started off in her mind but then the chants became low murmured whispers, like broken pinkey promises. "This isn't happening. This isn't happening". Her hand fluttered over her mouth, cupping it, spooning herself oxygen, gulping it, feeling the need for gallons. She couldn't breathe but in this moment she wasn't sure if she wanted to. But the chants were all Jack need to break him from his motionless trance. The weight of his body cradling hers could never replace what she'd lost, and she wasn't sure if the warmth was a reminder more than a comfort. Pressed up against him she could feel all the curves of her body, including the bump she still had, one she hadn't embraced because she was scared and now it was too late. 

"Sam, when you're ready we'd like to give you an epidural and induce labour. I'm sorry for your loss"

-<3-

The pain was like nothing she'd ever felt before. A part of her felt like she deserved to feel it. Her body had failed, now she'd pay the price. Even with the epidural, every stretch, every twist, every turn felt like being smash into the ground. Every four hours a doctor would come and insert a pill into her cervix. Every four hours she'd cry out in pain, Jack's hand in hers. 

After the fourth time her inner thoughts had become an external monologue. "I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it." It must've been loud enough for Jack to hear over the ringing in his ears. He couldn't move to quick through fear of throwing up but whilst Sam was overwhelmed with the maternal feeling of failing their child, Jack still had enough of a conscious need to support his wife, quickly dismissing her blame until her chants become so frantic he feared she wasn't actually breathing in between them. 

"Sam! Sam..." his attempt soothing her with her name and hushing noises proved to work and he got her to cry against his shoulder. Sobs filled the air as she finally let it out after 18 hours of silent tears and mindlessly watching her finger twitch on the bed next to her. "This is NOT your fault. Ever. Ok, it happens, and I know it hurts, so much" his own monologue cut short by the lump in his throat, because it did hurt, it hurt that they'd lost their baby and it hurt that he had to watch her in pain. "but this is not your fault". Careful not to squeeze her too much, he tried to cling to her as tightly as he could, gripping and fisting at the back of the hospital gown. It was like losing Charlie all over again. He didn't know how it could hurt so much since he'd only known of the baby's existence for 8 weeks, but it felt like someone had a chainsaw in his gut.

"you must hate me"

That just dug even deeper. He stomach churned. "I could never hate you. I promise". He released her from their hug and wiped her tears away, the gesture useless as more continued to fall, she was calmer on the outside, reverting back to silent tears. He brushed her sweaty bangs away and stared into her eyes. He wanted to tell her he loved her. But it felt insensitive in the moment. Whilst the statement wasn't un-true, what was true was that he'd never be able to tell his baby and that irked him inside. Suddenly she doubled over in pain and reached for his hand securing it in his. 

"Jack. Jack I can't do this please, I can't just make everything okay again. please" she begged through her first contraction. Those words hurt his the most, because he couldn't. 

-<3-

5 hours later their baby was born, there was no wailing sound, no rush of relief. The air around them was so thick you could bottle it in a jar. They held their baby, small enough to fit in one hand and resembling a foetus enough that Sam cried at the site of it. Jack couldn't look. The gender would later be confirmed by test results. They named her Grace O'Neill. They had 5 minutes together, Sam couldn't tell whether she cherished them or resented them. She was taken away to be cremated, the nurses promising to help with funeral arrangements. Sam was bed ridden, she was bleeding enough to have to change a pad every few hours, but the tears had calmed, turning into random bursts of grief when she would let herself think, rather than stare at a moving object, at first her favourite was the clicking of the clock, but right now it was the jittering of Jack's leg.

"We should let the gang know not to come tomorrow." It'd been quiet in the room for too long, neither knew what to say to each other. 

"Yeh, I should get right on that" Jack got up and left to make the phone call. It wasn't awkward between them, they were both just stuck in their heads in their own pasts right now. As the swinging doors to the room opened to let Jack out, Dr Lam walked in, glancing between the two halves of the couple before saying what she originally came to. 

"I know it doesn't seem like there's anything like good news right now but, you're free to go home. I've spoken to General Landry and he's authorised the use of a ship in orbit to beam you back to Washington. He also sends his condolences" she squeezed her arm and left and Jack was returning 

"I had to call Teal'c, Daniel would've asked too many questions and I don't really want to put up with Vala's up-beatness or Mitchells constant 'sirs' right now. T said he'd pass on the message for us, told him we'd taken Daniels suggestion and decided to have a house warming party instead." it was dry, deflecting humour. But of course he has handled it, they couldn't exactly tell them the real reason and even if they could, neither of them were ready yet. Sam just nodded mindlessly, her body on autopilot. 

-<3-

They settled back into their home lives, putting a bit more distance between them. It'd been a week now, and Jack was even more conscious of Sam's still existing bump. Anytime she cried she started to lactate and then that just bought on more tears. It'd been a week, the funeral was scheduled for next week, she was to be cremated and buried next to Sam's mother and father in Arlington. They'd argued whether to bury her there or with Charlie, they were after all siblings. But Sam couldn't bare the thought of being in a different state to whether she was buried and the job required them to stay in Washington, Jack easily gave in. 

Around midday Sam was laying across the sofa, a pillow hugged up to the chest, her back against Jack's chest. This was the closest they'd allowed themselves to be in 9 days, but he made sure she kept his arms away from her stomach, one acting as a cushion, the other rested on the outside of her thigh. Sam's phone rang in the kitchen as she lay lifelessly on the sofa, content on the outside, screaming on the inside. 

"Are you gonna get that" Jack nudged, she nodded wordlessly and stood up. Talking still wasn't easy. He could hear her voice switch to Colonel mode as she agreed and disagreed to a multitude of questions. After about 20 minutes she came back in and sat opposite Jack.

"That was the chief of staff, the new ship they're building, they're re-naming it the George Hammond. Said it'll still be a few months until its ready for service but... they want me to lead the crew. Paperwork will be here tomorrow."

"You said yes?" Jack subconsciously ran his fingers through his short hair, he felt like he'd aged 7 years in 7 days.

"It's not exactly like I'll need to stay on desk duty in a few weeks time"

"Sam you can't just leave!"

"We agreed you'd never stand in the way of me and my career"

From no where the doorbell rang. The shrill burning through the flammable air. Sam got up to answer the door but Jack's voice made her stop in her tracks. "This feels a lot like running away"

She let a humourless chuckle escape through her lips, almost a scoff. "It's just funny. You've said that to me before"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY! I'd really appreciate any feedback. Was it too strong? Too emotional? Not emotional enough? I don't know when chapter three will be posted to until then... hope you all stay well <3


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